Oh, Solomon!

Here's a long, silly story to explain two silly pictures. I was sweating in the garden, working on a peeling nose and a sunburn while looking like a stuck pig, when I decided to take a picture. Because I haven't read through my new camera's manual yet, I flipped a few switches to experiment when I came across THE PORTRAIT SETTING. On the LCD screen, I read the white-lettered Explanation for Dummies Like Me....."Portrait with soft, overall tone and beautiful skin tones."

I thought it was a funny guarantee to make to whoever picked up the camera, and I silently guffawed. Then, like any practical person would do, I immediately went inside, washed the manure off my face, slicked my hair down, and put a new shirt on over my grubby shorts. I also put on clear, shiny, lip gloss (like any sensible person would do). A few minutes later, voila!, I had myself A PORTRAIT with soft, overall tone and beautiful skin tones. What you can't see are my filthy hands that I did not wash and which I am slyly hiding outside the camera's reach. After this scientific experiment (also known as Vanity of Vanities), I changed back into my garden shirt and resumed planting the corn.

PORTRAIT one entitled: "Sullen Scaredy-Cat with Grimy Hands but Beautiful Skin Tones"


Picture two taken without the portrait setting: entitled "I Just Had My Teeth Cleaned for the Fifth Time Ever!" This is true, and my root canal has been scheduled for July. Apparently, we have great insurance and, apparently, I look like my mom.