3.02.2012

Forty Days

This morning as I lay awake in bed, overturning thoughts that seem so profound while I'm horizontal but lose all significance once I stand upright, I heard it.

In the relative silence of the winter morning sounded a raspy booker-cheeee!

And that's all it took.  I scrambled out of bed,  thoughts tumbling forgotten onto the floor, and ran downstairs in my bare feet.  This is worth noting, because the boards in our upstairs are cold, and though I shun socks for most of the year, January and February temporarily change my mind.
 
When I ran to the window, a red-winged blackbird stood sentinel above the feeder while another gobbled seeds below.  Red-winged blackbirds are to me the true herald.  Sure, robins and groundhogs get the glory, but the call of red-winged blackbirds sing spring to me.  Spring breezes and summer sun are all wrapped up in that one coarse and homely sound.

Since Christmas, I've been seeking discipline and diligence in the tasks that fill my days-- educating, exploring, cleaning, scrubbing, decluttering-- and, for the most part, I've found joy and small successes in doing so.  Moving through the bumps that will always appear, the girls and I make daily strides in learning, I walk downstairs to a clean house most mornings, and, once in a while, I find the gumption to knock something extra off The Eternal List.  I've had moments, many, when the veil has stirred, and piercing clarity and gratitude have rushed in.  Today, though, after the girls and I finished school for the day, I lost sight of where I was.  Posting snapshot after snapshot after snapshot made me dull and ugly, and by the time tucking-in rolled around, what I most felt, mixed with weariness and a dislike for my blog, was regret for the evening's words and actions.

After a long day following the heels of a longer week, I thirst for something new. Birds that warble and bicker, the wind full of secrets, green spearing skyward, buds bursting into bloom and leaf, color all unruly with a blue stretch of sky...and here I sit, heavy with regret and ice cream in this second week of Lent.

But that's why He came.  Not to save me from sweets in the middle of Lent, no, but to lift me from blinding fog and failings and all that is old.  He brings the New.  New life and a new nature. New hope of reconciliation with a holy Father.  My failings etch both my need and His perfect answer into sharp relief.  There is indeed a balm in Gilead-- for mothers who spend hours foolishly, who spend words carelessly, and who, on dark levels too deep for honesty, need One to pull them out from the muck and into the Light.

9 comments:

  1. I love when you post a whole bunch at once--such riches of photos and words to enjoy. Did you know--not only am I a dedicated reader, but I have gotten my sisters hooked? I love your family's creativity and spunk. :)

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  2. I too have these times & knowing he is there & ready to forgive me & help me start fresh is what gets me through, but usually I beat myself up for awhile first.

    Had a nice time hanging with you last week! I always feel refreshed after we visit!

    Love~ Mary

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  3. Sometimes I feel guilty for loving your blog so much when it seems to be a burden for you. I hope if you don’t want to continue it you won’t. Even though I would miss you terribly!

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  4. I do so enjoy your posts and pictures. You have a great life wisdom that causes me to stop and ponder about my own journey, and I am always moved by your words for Our Lord, so reverent and eloquent. However, I believe that you should do whatever makes you feel good and happy. And I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer.

    Much love!

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  5. Thanks, Rachel! Aren't there better addictive substances out there, though? :)

    As far as quitting shotsnaps goes, the love/hate relationship goes back to its very inception, and I won't be quitting anytime soon, though I'm glad for such kind encouragement. (For one thing, I've got thousands of snapshots to go before my mom-in-law is even partially repaid for the gift of this wonderful Fancy Camera!)

    I've been tempted many times to put up a post spouting off about the pitfalls of many homemaker blogs-- both in the writing of them and the reading of them-- and the small weaknesses and temptations they encourage to which I think women are particularly susceptible, but I never do because shotsnaps is What It Is. I keep things superficial for the most part, because the more substance I add, the easier it is for me to fall into those very traps!

    Part of the problem, too, lies not in blog-writing and blog-reading in general, but in the very particular fact that I wait too long in between posts, and sometimes choose foolishly the time at which I slap on a bounty. This is a problem-- entirely mine-- of proper choices for when I hop on the computer (namely, it should NOT BE WHEN THE GIRLS ARE AWAKE!).

    Plus, I'm an antisocial old coot, and blogging turns me into a self-important biddy. :}

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  6. (...or maybe it reveals that I'm a self-important biddy? Yup. Probably the latter.)

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  7. So happy to feast on Abigoodness after what seems like a Very Long Winter of Ab(by)sence. Someday you will love this, your little blog, all the more with the memories penned that vanish even though we hold on to them as tightly as we can.

    Until then, I think your love/hate relationship is healthy! And though I think blogging while children are asleep is the way to go (and am both amazed and shocked that you can so beautifully and lavishly and poignantly wax poetic with five little children calling for you throughout the time you blog)~ I will say that even if you blog during rest (or night)time, as I do, the guilt may still stab you with 'what I could have done of more value with my time' as it so frequently does me.

    I think that whole paragraph was a run-on sentence that just couldn't die.

    Embarrassing.

    But not quite as embarrassing as when my mind could formulate the word I was looking for and I spoke of POUNDS of sap instead of gallons. Matt and I had quite the chuckle about that on the way home. I am a BIG.HUGE.DORK.

    Well. Rest time is over. BUT-I will be back!

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  8. This is 2 days belated, but Happy Birthday!!! Hope it was lovely!

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