It's been a good, long while since the last Frugal Fancy-pants, and this one's a doozy. (Jamie-- this is all your fault.) I'm giving you three for one! Plus, tiresome and lengthy commentary!
It's also the funniest FFP to me, because it demonstrates how slack I've become in the realm of fashion. Ever since the seventh grade, after I started wearing striped, platform, Converse sneakers that I'd snatched up for $2.50 when my dad took us to Endicott-Johnson's going-out-of-business sale, I've been persnickety about my wardrobe. All through high school and college, I cultivated my style, which, as it goes, was comprised entirely of rummage sale and thrift store finds. I wore vintage polyester bellbottoms, to the chagrin of my soccer coach, old knee-high boots (before they had again become fashionable), at the sight of which my English teacher broke into song (I just changed the link to lyrics, 'cause after watching more than 10 seconds of the video, I realized it was not the best thing for the children who check this blog to watch...oops. Remedy in place.), and for which my friends taunted me, a bright green skirt all covered with fishes (which I wish I still owned), and more. In my small Christian high school, I was alone in fashion choices, but I loved pairing odd things together to make a jolly outfit, one in which I felt confident and colorful.
These days....well. Lookee here.
This Frugal Fancy-pants serves as proof that my maternity fashion identity especially suffers. The foundation for picking what to wear when I'm pregnant, particularly when I'm nearing the 50-pounds-gained mark, stands like so:
1. IS IT EXTREMELY CHEAP, OR BETTER YET, FREE?
2. CAN I FIT IT ON MY BODY?
3. WILL I BE ABLE TO BREATHE WHILE WEARING THIS SHIRT?
and, most important of all,
4. WILL THESE PANTS SPLIT DOWN THE SEAT WHEN I BEND OVER?
As you can see, these are Vital Questions to ask oneself before getting dressed. If my answer to the first three questions is "yes," and the fourth answer is "I really hope not," then the outfit's accepted, no matter its style, and no matter how horrified my high school and college self would be at how far I have fallen.
Because you're desperate to see this in action, I present to you my Sunday outfits for pregnancy weeks 35-37. (And, Jamie, if you're reading, your thank-you note is coming, and if I can stuff myself into them and am brave enough, I'll post an FFP post at the 40-week mark featuring the BLACK LEATHER MATERNITY PANTS you sent. Watch out, world.)
EXAMPLE 1.
EXHIBIT A: WEEK 35:
IN WHICH I JUST STEPPED OUT OF A JANE AUSTEN NOVEL.
All day long while wearing this ensemble, I thought, "I look like a stinking Jane Austen heroine." I received my bachelor's degree in English, yet I've never read a Jane Austen novel nor watched a single movie based on one of her works. What little I knew just never appealed to me, so to those of you well versed in Austen lore, please forgive me if her heroines don't actually dress like this. I admit my ignorance. (But don't I just look like one?!)
Warning: this outfit's less frugal than I'd like. My goal is usually to keep outfits under a dollar, but this one's a skeleton in my closet.
-Pink floral necklace: rummage sale from 20 years ago-- under a nickel
-Brown velvet dress: free in trade
-Macrame belt: rummage sale-- under a nickel
-Cream skirt: hand-me-down
-Not-optional medical compression stockings for your wretched varicose veins (What's this?! YOU don't have varicose veins??!!) : free from when you had better medical insurance
-Black flats: handed down from an 11-year old at my church who outgrew them
Total: under $4.10
EXHIBIT B: WEEK 35
Wear this outfit at home when you're sick of wearing your husband's bathrobe. Grin when your daughters exclaim over how "nice" you look.
OUTFIT:
-Gray striped shirt that just barely stretches over the belly: rummage sale-- under a nickel
-Black tank top-- under a nickel
-Jeans 3 sizes larger than your pre-pregnancy ones and that just barely button: rummage sale-- under a nickel
-Black slippers: Christmas gift from a couple of years ago
Total: about ten cents
OPTIONAL ACCESSORIES:
-An arm awkwardly jutting out: free
-An old Asian coin from WWII on a cord around your neck, "borrowed" from your Dad back in high school, over which you felt guilt for still having after college, and which he told you to keep and refused to acknowledge as the original coin because it had been worn so thin by constant use: free if your sins don't find you out.
EXAMPLE 2.
EXHIBIT A, WEEK 36:
IN WHICH I AM AN ACCIDENTAL COWGIRL. YEEHAW!
Wear this dress to church when it's too warm to wear your long-sleeved dress. Be glad when you notice its voluminous skirt could accommodate two bellies your size, because you still have a few weeks to go. Only realize you've morphed into a cowgirl after you borrow the boots.
OUTFIT
- Brown juniors dress, from those glory days a decade ago when juniors decided they all wanted to dress like pregnant women: Target clearance for $1.98.
-Black sash: rummage sale for a nickel
-Black maternity skirt: rummage sale for a nickel
-Brown boots: borrowed from your oldest daughter, who received them as a gift.
- Medical compression stockings: free
Total: less than $2.10
OPTIONAL ACCESSORIES:
-the Asian coin necklace: free
-one small mammal wearing only a diaper: a gift (I will not turn him into quiche, either)
-one child's cowboy hat, suggested by a daughter: an old birthday gift
- a black sweater, because one can't hold her arms out from her sides in a stilted and slimming fashion ALL the time: hand-me-down
EXAMPLE #3.
EXHIBIT A: WEEK 37
IN WHICH I AM AN ETHEREAL VISION OF HIGH ROMANCE IN PALE PINK AND PEARLS
I have never liked the color pink (except in flowers, sunrises, sunsets, and my children's rosy cheeks). I have never liked pastels (except in the same, perhaps barring the cheeks).
BEHOLD! Here I am on Easter Sunday, swathed in my favorite color.
OUTFIT:
-Pale pink shirt: another juniors shirt from when teens posed as pregnant woman-- rummage sale for a nickel
-Lacy white tank top: hand-me-down
-Pearl necklace: hand-me-down
-Pearl earrings: a gift from Millie (she bought them for a dime at a rummage sale)
-Cream skirt: hand-me-down
-Black flats: handed down from the 11-year old at church
-Romantic medical compression stockings: free
Total: One nickel
OPTIONAL ACCESSORIES:
-A sweet expression, if you can manage it: free except for the effort
-Two charming boys, one in each hand: a gift two-fold
JANE AUSTEN HEROINE-- WHO NEEDS TO READ THE BOOKS, ANYWAY?
ACCIDENTAL COWGIRL-- YEEHAW!
AN ETHEREAL VISION, OR, HIGH ROMANCE IN PALE PINK AND PEARLS
You're welcome.
Yay! I'll admit I'm a bit sad not to see the leather pants in this post but well worth the effort for a maternity edition of FFP! I wait with baited breath for week 40 ;-)
ReplyDeleteSoon,
ReplyDeleteMs. Sausage-Legs will emerge from her cocoon of oversized jeans into the glory of those leather pants...
Loving your a-little-bit-shorter hair, Abby!
ReplyDeleteI, too, can't wait for the 40-week leather pant addition of FFP.
You always make me laugh.
50 pounds gained mark and still not a hint of a single chin roll.
ReplyDeleteHow DO you do it?!?
Every single on of your alter-egos looks lovely.
Thanks, Liana! Glad not EVERYONE shrieks when they see my hair. ;) Only one week to go!
ReplyDeleteRebecca,
You know better! You see in person that The Chin, except when most carefully positioned for FFP, has long since joined forces with my neck to create a Master Neck with nary a chin in sight. :) And thanks for the encouragement. It offsets my brother's call from the other night in which he talked about how much he hates looking at these maternity FFP posts because I look so terrible trying to be fancy when I'm so robust! HA! I love him.