Fantastic Sam's Says Nope to Dope-- Or, How to Age Gracefully
Last week, I went to a hair-cutting place to-- you guessed it-- get my hair cut. With ends split to my scalp and no visiting Sags to trim them, I broke down and paid for the loss of 4 inches of locks. (Don't worry; I had a coupon.) It's only the second or third time I've been inside a salon, if it's even appropriate to use that high-brow term for Fantastic Sam's.
They are strange places. A point of proof -----> the girl who cut my hair spoke jargon as foreign to me as that of a rocket scientist. She kept talking about how the beauticians were behind because "They'd had a lot of chemicals that day." For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what she meant but was too timid to ask. I was pretty sure that she wasn't talking about illegal drug use. My best guess was that they'd had a pest problem, and, earlier in the day, men showered the place with insecticides. It wasn't until my hair was dry that I realized she was probably talking about chemical hair treatments. It's no wonder special schools are necessary for this line of work...
While she cut my hair, I occasionally glanced in the mirror that ran the length of the room. Almost every time, I sensed someone staring at me, and I soon discovered the reflection of an unsatisfied elderly woman sitting on the opposite side of the room, staring squarely at me every time. Her name was Claire, she was highly particular about her hairstyle, which was dyed an unnatural shade of burnt orange (unnatural in an 85-year old, that is, which she appeared to be), and when she walked, she unsteadily teetered about in chic, backless heels. The hump on her back bowed her bird-like frame, yet still she shuffled slowly by in those chic, backless heels.
It's not wrong to dye white hair, and I don't think that frumpiness should increase with age, mind you. I like seeing fashionable, older women who haven't given up on style, even though I'll probably be one of the frumpy ones. (Aside: Last year, a girl was naming the fashion style of various friends. When she reached me, she said, "And, Abby, well, you like the frumpy style." I like to think she just couldn't remember the word "shabby" and used the first substitute she could. I like Abby shabby-style, but frumpy?)
Back to Claire. A wisp of a women, spots of rouge garish on her pale, worn face. The sight of her fastidious care with dress and hair, the heels, the short skirt, the veined frailty of her legs...all this saddened me. As I sat, I thought about what it means to age gracefully. I didn't think so much about fashion (which is fun but sounds of emptiness and silly vanity when all's said and done), but how one should age in a way that fits. In a way that wouldn't cause casual onlookers in Fantastic Sam's to see incongruity. In a way that reflects the natural inevitability of aging and all that age brings with it. In a way that would cause younger women to admire more than the clothes hanging on the body.
I thought, too, about the older women I admire most. On the whole, they're warm, open, and full of fun. They still wonder at the wonderful things of life. Some are fashionable; some are frumpy. They're all women who, even though they don't shy away from the real hardships of aging-- the grief, the regret, the body turned traitor-- also recognize the great good that only aging allows. They're all Christian women who love the Lord, too, who have hope of renewed life after death-- not of a fabled fountain of youth, which only restores the body's youth, but something infinitely deeper and greater. They anticipate a glorious re-making of their very selves-- a new creation at last reunited with its Creator with no fear or separation. A realized love as seamless as love's intent.
I need to take notes now. The clock ticks, I am twenty-six, and, if the Lord gives me long life, in a handful of blinks I will be old. The same traits that I admire in older women are the traits to cultivate now because youth shapes old age. So, in a rambling end to a rambling post, here's to old age lived rightly!
Any thoughts on aging?
6 comments :
I think as you get older you become more yourself. That is to say, all your essential qualities become exagerrated. If you're a picky eater, you become a pickier eater. If you start out a teensy bit paranoid, you get really paranoid. I am merely middle-aged, but I think you have the right idea: focus on cultivating your best qualities, so that they will be more deeply ingrained as you get older. Easier said than done, and best accomplished under God's guidance.
Something I look so forward to in getting old, is being able to be at the point where I have wished daily I could have known. I wonder how many children I will have, what they will become, where Matt and I will end up-what he will do. These things are all unknown right now-but I just can't imagine a time when all those things have been laid out before my eyes.
I can not wait to Lord willing, see Corynn get married and have children. I will be the best Grandma in the world-because it is important. I won't buy them all sorts of things, but I will bake them pies, have them help bake cookies, let them play in my button jar, all sorts of stuff.
I want to be one of those Grandma's that wears a big floppy straw hat with a white ribbon around it while I go pick wildflowers with my grandkids. One that is not sparse on hugs but NEVER EVER pinches cheeks.
Anyway-the part I don't look forward to is as you said, my body betraying me. But as you also pointed out, it is not our appearances that people remember-it is our demeanor. There are so many wonderful things to look forward to.
Thanks for the reminder of the glory in growing old. Matt always says "Gray hair is a crown of Glory." Tis true, Tis true...unless I am gray by the time I am 30. Then, it is not so grayt. :-)
Rebecca–-if I could be so bold, I’d say don’t put off till tomorrow what you can do today! I (quite unmarried and without children, much less grandchildren) already wear a floppy straw hat and bake pies (for my siblings, in this case). May my hat get larger and floppier and my pies ever tastier (and may I continue in the everlasting quest for patience!).
Abigail–you asked for “thoughts on aging”, which is vague. Hopefully my own rambling writing is along the lines of what you were asking for.
When I see old women with long grey/white hair, it always strikes me how much they seem (seem, mind you. . .perhaps “appear” is a better word) to be at peace–-with themselves, the way they look, who they are, their lives. The old women I see who dye their hair appear to be either in denial or rebellion to all of those same things–they way they look, who they are, their lives.
In denial, because they don’t want to age. They’re afraid to. And afraid of aging, because it means coming closer to death–to the end, the finishing. They don’t want to die, and so they try to deny that they are getting old. Not that I am saying that people should want to die, or to throw away their lives; it’s just that not wanting to die seems to be a very sad reason to live.
As it says in Ecclesiastes, God has placed eternity in the hearts of men. Everyone is reaching out for it in their own ways. The desire to stay young–-to not get old–-to live forever–-is an outworking of that. In the end, these women who aren’t “aging gracefully” appear to me to be living a lie–-not so much a to those around them, because, as you can so clearly see, it convinces no one looking at them–-but a lie to themselves.
Sometimes it seems very sad, a sort of quiet, subconscious plea for someone to come and save them. Sometimes it seems very rebellious to me, as though they have heard Jesus say “You cannot even change one hair on your head from black to white” and are defiantly trying to refute that–-though with such weak attempts that it must be repeatedly changed, a mere shrouding of the truth. They’ve missed the point that He was making altogether–-that one can not make their lives any longer. The changing of the outward appearance does not change the reality. They try, by their own might, to take away the sting from death, but only One can do that, and if they refuse to look to Him for that, than their striving is failing.
Although I could go on (in the way of Purdy’s), I shall try to stop there, so as not to drive away all of your faithful readers. I could particularly go on about make-up, and the world’s emphasis on outward adornment. It’s not that I would say that all use of make-up is a sin; rather that I think it speaks of more things than just silly vanity, but of other more deep-seated desires of the heart, that people are trying to fulfill in a shallow way. I don’t think that women really change that much. . .it’s just that sometimes it seems more striking in the older women. (Along the lines of where you said “youth cultivates old age”.)
As a last closing word, there is always a poem by Ben Jonson that springs to my mind when these sorts of subjects come up, “Still to be Neat,” in particular the first verse:
Still to be neat, still to be dressed
As you were going to a feast
Still to be powdered, still perfumed:
Lady, it is to be presumed,
Though art's hid causes are not found,
All is not sweet, all is not sound.
Give me a look, give me a face
That makes simplicity a grace;
Robes loosely flowing, hair as free:
Such sweet neglect more taketh me
Than all th' adulteries of art;
They strike mine eyes, but not my heart.
Kathy,
Easier said than done, and best accomplished under God's guidance.
Amen to that! (I shudder, too, to think of my flaws distilling to their impurest essence...)
Rebecca,
There is much to look forward to, isn't there! Your additions paint a lovely picture, and I can almost smell those cookies baking...
You also wrote, I can not wait to Lord willing, see Corynn get married and have children.
In regards to Annika and Millie, that particular thing to look forward to is not something I particularly look forward to! :)
Talitha-Titi (four t's: four tease: fourties: middling age: old age):
I was purposefully vague in my request for thoughts about aging; I hoped the vagueness would increase the chance of receiving varied thoughts. Thanks for your thoughtful words; I agree with much of what you wrote, so I'll try to refrain from cutting and pasting it all into this comment (and, in so doing, reposting your entire comment).
Just a few...
....it’s just that not wanting to die seems to be a very sad reason to live.
I agree wholeheartedly. So many older women I see in passing appear to be living in pursuit of the impossible, little realizing that they are smushing a great good under their feet in their haste to backtrack. They've bought a lie and blinded themselves.
Not that wistfulness for the good aspects of youth is wrong. If my body doesn't obey me when I'm older, I'll probably feel like a youngster trapped in a stubborn, shriveled frame, but I won't, Lord willing, try to slap a false youth on that shriveled frame. This yearning for a strong mind and body isn't wrong, and it serves to strengthen one's knowledge of human frailty and need for God while sweetening the anticipation of going Home. As I write this, too, I feel presumptious and very, very young, because I haven't experienced any of these struggles.
I could particularly go on about make-up, and the world’s emphasis on outward adornment. It’s not that I would say that all use of make-up is a sin; rather that I think it speaks of more things than just silly vanity, but of other more deep-seated desires of the heart, that people are trying to fulfill in a shallow way.
I bet this topic would make for an interesting discussion! It might even become lively if others entered into it...hint, hint. (I don't know who I'm hinting to, but there must be someone out there itching to defend regular use of makeup.) I haven't really thought much on the underlying problems of makeup, though they exist. I've just always thought it's rather silly and tastes gross, so I refrain from wearing it as much as possible. (Of course, there are those who say that if my cheeks weren't pink and my lips red, I'd smear color on my face, too...)
There are so many things with which people try to sate deep-seated desires, and I think you're right that a focus on outward appearances can often be that. I also don't think that wearing makeup is always wrong (I've been known to cover a blemish or twelve myself...oh, and mascara for special occasions to give the barest illusion of eyelashes, of which I am destitute), but I do think that the reasons why some women wear it does make that wearing wrong, just as wearing a trendy outfit isn't wrong but the underlying reasons behind it can be. (I also have been known, particularly in high school and college, to stick to old lady, thrift store fashion as faithfully as others stuck to the latest trend, which isn't all that much different when it comes right Down To It.)
A strange but true fact: even with my aversion to wearing makeup, I've always been fascinated by it, and, although I don't wear regular makeup, I've always loved creating new selves using face paint. This may very well be my attempt to fill a deep desire to be Other. I won't blog-analyze myself, though; that could only lead to trouble! :)
Anyway, this is something I should think on so that I can offer something more substantial. I say this AFTER I write the lengthiest comment yet...Hmmmm.....
Abby–
You shall have to stop me if I get overly carried away, but. . .
(A quick and pointless note on my name: Talitha is my real name, but everyone has a hard pronouncing it, often even after they’ve heard it. Arlan dubbed me “Titi” (pronounced as the 20th letter of the alphabet, twice) when I was first born, and family and friends have called me that ever since. However, no one can spell it, and I find it awkward to put in print, as then it seems it is impossible for people to pronounce it correctly from the spelling. As they say. . .”Call me whatever you like, just don’t call me late for dinner!”)
little realizing that they are smushing a great good under their feet in their haste to backtrack. I am not so sure I would say backtrack as much as stop in their tracks, and to not go on–a desire to halt time, not necessarily go back. (Although, since this is all based on passing appearances, I suppose I oughten get too picky!) I agree that growing old, physically, is no fun at all, and often (usually, even) can be quite painful. And, of course, we are all hoping for that perfect body. But I think I was more trying to call to attention the fear of death–for those who have no hope of going Home–and the desire to avoid it at all costs. If one has no hope for a perfect body, then one is left with no other choice but attempting to make this current body perfect. While I do think we should take care of our bodies, I think it is impossible for them to be perfect in this life.
A quick point before I go on (since it appears I have been invited)–when painting with broad strokes, it is inevitable that the minorities will get mad at you. Please don’t say I’m making assumptions that all people are the same; I’m speaking in broad generalities. Also, there are people who will take things to the extreme, and say that unless you’re walking around in grey sack-cloth with dirt on your head then you are making a prideful and gaudy show of yourself. That’s not my position, and I’m not speaking out against getting dressed up for special occasions, or any use of paint (“regular” or otherwise) to change your appearance. What I am talking about is (as you picked up on, Abby) the underlying thoughts and reason behind the changing of your appearance. How you look does speak volumes–even if all your clothes say is “I don’t care what kind of clothes I wear”, it does still say something. (I belong in the frumpy/shabby club myself, for the most part. I might have definite ideas of “style”, but they rarely make it out to real life.)
Why do people wear make-up? And what are they trying to say with it? Most people would probably say that I am reading too much into it, and that they just “want to look nice”. I think it’s an interesting question, and even that answer–to look nice–makes one ask even more questions. What for? And for whom? And how do you know it’s nice? What makes nice nice? Maybe I am reading the wrong answers into it, but it seems clear to me that there is no short answer.
Trying to change your appearance to look more beautiful is considered normal. People expect all women to wear make-up. Girls are supposed to want to start wearing make-up. I used to think it was an old cliche, with little truth, that many women wouldn’t want to be caught dead without make-up on. Then I met some women who were like that–who didn’t even want to answer the door without at least having on some eyeshadow, as though anything less would be scandalous.
Since the beginning of time, people have went about changing their appearances. Make-up, tattooing, piercing, shaving some hair and leaving others (or even taking it all off), deforming feet, stretching necks, even making “decorative” cuts, and rubbing ashes into them, so that the wounds heal in a raised pattern–men and women both have always wanted to change something. Why? The first two reasons that come to my mind are (1) A lack of unconditional love in this world. And (2) a desire for glory–in essence, to become like God.
The lack of unconditional love is often picked up on. People will blame the media for destroying a girl’s self image, and send her off to a self-esteem counseling session. But, in this fallen world, that is the truth. People do look at the outside. Only God sees within. Deep within, people know this. So they try to buy people’s favor with their appearance. Doesn’t it work? Haven’t we all seen the reports saying that blonde women are more likely to get easy breaks in life? Aren’t all the beautiful people popular? Aren’t they lucky? Don’t people love them? Isn’t that why everyone is so obsessed with movies stars, and why all princesses must be beautiful? Beautiful people are better.
I used to think that all dads were like my Dad, in that he has always held, and will always hold, that his girls are the most beautiful in the world. Don’t all Dad’s think their girls are the beautifulest? I didn’t realize how much I took this for granted, until I over heard my uncle commenting to one of my cousins (his daughter) how there was something wrong with her hair–it just didn’t look right. I was momentarily shocked. My cousin immediately agreed with him, moaning that no matter what she did, it just didn’t work. Now, she thinks nothing of spending $50 to get the last little bit of curl ironed out of her hair, and her father is shocked at the way she “wastes” money. I think she’s growing up just the way he raiser her. Looking “right” will make people like her more, approve of her more. She might be doing it for someone other than him, now. Maybe friends at school, maybe herself. But she has bought into the lie that says looking “right” is important.
So I think part of it is trying to buy love, appreciation and respect with your outward appearances. Who you are looking “right” to is only a matter of who you want love and respect from.
The second thing I mentioned I have rarely heard commented on. I suppose, then, that you could say it is more of a stretch. But don’t you think it odd that people, as a whole, have never considered themselves the most beautiful being? Why is it that all of their “gods” are beautiful, more beautiful than any mortal? Why is it that human’s first instinct is to say that something or someone is more beautiful than them? All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God–including His glory and radiance, and, if you want to put it that way, beauty.
Again, people realize this. They realize they are not beautiful, glorified beings, and they get shipped of to counseling sessions on self-esteem, etc., etc. In the end, they often try to reclaim this beauty and glory. Aren’t powerful people immediately assumed to be good looking? And to me it also seems that, in reaching out for beauty, people are also reaching out for power and respect. In as much as they realize they are fallen beings, they try to change the things they have power over–their outward appearance. In a way, it is like building your own personal “Tower of Babel.” But it only turns them into whitewashed tombs–on the outside they may look good and powerful, but on the inside, they are still full of all greed and pride and envy and sin that we are all born with.
I felt this was strikingly illustrated by a girl (well, young woman. . .I guess she was about the same age as me, a year or two older, actually) who used to live nearby. She would talk about making a trip to Planned Parenthood “because it was better than getting pregnant”, talk about the time she decided to take about 40 pills of Advil, and had to be rushed to hospital in an ambulance to get her stomach pumped. One time she was talking about some scars she had on her leg (if I remember correctly, she claimed they were from self-inflicted wounds), and reached down to pull up her pant leg to show what she meant. She suddenly became quite embarrassed, rather appalled, really, and jerked her pant leg back into place. You see, she hadn’t shaved her legs that morning, and there was a bit of stubble growing. How rude! How uncouth! How uncivilized! I was (as I usually felt around her) rather speechless. Of all of the things she talked about, she was most embarrassed, and most seemingly upset, distressed and ashamed, of not shaving her legs!!
I’m not entirely sure that I’ve been coherent in what I’ve been trying to say. (Ask away if you want clarifications.) But I think it odd that the “normal” question isn’t “Why do you wear make-up, shave your legs, look trendy, etc., etc.?” but rather the “normal” question is “Why don’t you wear make-up, shave your legs, look trendy, etc, etc?”
If you don’t like the way my face looks, quit lookin’ at it!
Whether you're a big city hipster, a country bumpkin, or a southern belle, you should know the reasons behind your cultivation of appearance. In any area, thoughtful actions are usually superior to actions alone.
I'm not against people dressing up, wearing makeup, or just generally looking good, nor does it seem you are. It's the fixation on looking "just so" all the time, whether it be through a certain style (even cultivating a grungy style) or through wearing makeup (or deliberately not wearing it) that can be wrong. A bondage to appearances.
"I used to think it was an old cliche, with little truth, that many women wouldn’t want to be caught dead without make-up on."
I didn't understand that, either! I heard of a woman whose husband had never really seen her without makeup (she rose early in the morning to apply it before he woke up). Then I went to college and had a few friends who wouldn't think of leaving their dorm rooms without at least mascara. Makeup covers one's true face while it enhances, and when this covering of becomes inseparable from one's perception of self, yikes!
I'm not speaking of modern concepts of "self-esteem," either. It's the idea of trying, even unconsciously, to find approval via style or appearance that I find harmful. The most breathtakingly lovely girl is as unable as the homeliest girl alive to meet the requirement for God's approval, which is the only approval of lasting value. He accepts us unconditionally through Christ, and this takes place despite outward appearances. When people spend scads of time and thought on their apppearance, makeup, dress, etc., as a way to gain acceptance or approval, they entirely miss that most important point.
I used to think that all dads were like my Dad, in that he has always held, and will always hold, that his girls are the most beautiful in the world.
Credit to your dad! He's done well, and your evident contentment is proof.
But I think it odd that the “normal” question isn’t “Why do you wear make-up, shave your legs, look trendy, etc., etc.?” but rather the “normal” question is “Why don’t you wear make-up, shave your legs, look trendy, etc, etc?”
I agree. This is odd. :)
Another thing I find odd is the number of women who are striving toward modesty and who dress accordingly (much more so than I, as I wear pants and shorts) but who also wear pounds of makeup on their faces and pounds of hairspray in their permed hair. I know this sounds like I'm picking on a certain stereotype, but I'm not. I've just always found it incongruous that some people who are genuinely trying to live as modest, "feminine," Christian women and who refrain from flamboyant dress also wield makeup and curling irons with a gusto. Your comment, "Trying to change your appearance to look more beautiful is considered normal. People expect all women to wear make-up. Girls are supposed to want to start wearing make-up" made me understand this a bit, though. They don't see it as incongruous in their otherwise very "modest" appearance because it's normal to do so. (I place "modest" in quotes because godly women differ as to the correct expression and appearance of womanly modesty.)
I apologize for my broad brush use, too, because I realize what I wrote could be misinterpreted and cause offense to certain women. I don't know of anyone reading this blog who would be offended, but just in case, I don't think makeup is wrong, I don't think hairspray is wrong, I don't think skirts are wrong, I don't think wearing long skirts with makeup and hairspray is wrong. I just don't think girls and women, myself included, often think about the deeper reasons underlying the way they dress or preen as they do, and the underlying reasons are important.
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